This is probably going to be the most personal post I have ever written. But it needs to be said because this is why this whole online platform exists. So here goes…

In an instant—everything changed. 

I tripped over a toy, spilling my hot coffee all down the front of my shirt. Cleaning up, through frustrated tears, the deep of my heart cried out. Motherhood isn’t supposed to be so hard, my joy is being stolen!! 

I was caring for 4 kids 4 and under. My biological daughters were 3 and 4 and our foster sons were 1 and 3 year old traumatized little boys. I was so busy trying to do it all and give my all, that life around me was starting to crumble. Overwhelm and distraction flooded my every thought. The house was always a mess which had me in a perpetual state of stress. I was spending too much time at the home decor store, using retail therapy to get through all the foster care emotions and grief. 

I was tired, easily angered and exhausted from trying to keep up with everything. I was not taking care of myself. I was struggling with my calling and purpose amidst the constant change of 6 kids coming and leaving my house in the last several months. My husband and my kids were not getting the best version of myself. I knew I was where I was meant to be but I also knew I was making it harder than it should be.

Jesus I need you. My heart cried. 

I felt this peace, like it’s going to be ok. “You have too much of what’s not important, and you need more of what is important” is the message I felt.

You see I was so busy trying to be the perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect friend, and perfect Christ follower that I totally missed the point. I was distracted and overwhelmed and keeping myself in that state, so I didn’t have to dive deep to find myself again. I was so busy with outward distractions  that God seemed silent… I wanted to find the woman and mother God created me to be, because I certainly didn’t feel like her. You see 4 years, that many babies, coupled with grief and our cultures demands on millennial moms did a number to me.

Balance? Non existent. I was too busy trying to do all the “right” things as a mom and foster mom to really enjoy and savour this precious gift of life. I was so busy cleaning up after my life to focus on the things that really mattered to me. I was busy doing things I thought I should based off of culture, that I wasn’t focusing on what God wanted for me. God had given me big dreams and big goals but I felt so ill equipped to even get through each day well, that those things seemed so impossible. 

 I had no idea, in that moment, that my life would change forever. Or even more shockingly, just how much it would change…

I made a change that day to truly live my life authentically as a woman, wife and mother sold out for Jesus. It all started with getting rid of material distractions and refocusing my heart to the Lords. I made God a priority and I started to simplify everything else, I chose love, I chose joy and I chose peace. I chose abundance over overwhelm. I made time to dream and reflect and to listen and to learn. I now, know that living out my motherhood on mission, in light of the gospel is all that really matters. Loving and serving God and others is all that is really important.

Seeking God’s direction and then taking action is what this life is really about. 

That toy trip, hot coffee spill really did change everything. God used something so small to do such a big thing.  In me and through me. 

I am not saying I am perfect and I have all the answers. May I humbly say I share this because I was struggling and now I’m not. (most days)

May I simply be His vessel.